As someone who hasn't always taken this advice, I am probably the worst person to be writing this post, but as you know, I like to share my experiences (both good and bad) with others, as a reminder that they aren’t alone.
I wanted to start off by covering the mind, as it’s a key part of the body that has become a hot topic over the years and as someone who suffers from a very busy head, I often struggle with relaxation and being able to clear my thoughts, as I tend to think of a million things at once. This often leads me to overthink, worry about the unknown and get emotional about things I shouldn’t care about. But going through tough experiences can be challenging and I feel it’s only natural for us to worry, especially when we find ourselves getting into similar situations.
Personally, if there is one thing that plays on my mind the most, it’s dating and relationships. As someone who along with many other women, finds herself in her 30s and single; an independent woman who’s a vulnerable old school romantic, trying to find love in ‘hook up’ hell - it can sometimes feel like a nightmare.
It’s not that I hate men or don’t believe in relationships, because good guys do exist and I believe that there is someone out there for everyone. It’s just I haven’t had the best experience so far and always have the worst luck when it comes to dating.
We now live in a generation, where dating tends to be more of a painful experience than enjoyable – painful on the mind and the emotions. With online dating taking the world by storm, it’s slowly taking over human interaction. Men have started to become lazy and arrogant. It’s now easier to slide into someone’s inbox, send sexual messages, cheat on their partners or block someone without reason, than make any effort, take someone on a date or stick around long enough to get to know them.
Over the years, I have taken the decision to be single – why? Because the truth is that it’s smarter to be single than in the wrong relationship. Whenever I have allowed myself to be vulnerable with the wrong men, I get hurt again and as I get older, I am less willing to waste time on those who want to play games with my feelings. I have a lot of love to give. I'm ambitious, adventurous, I care about others, I consider other people’s feelings and am forever loyal. Of course I am not perfect, but no one is.
I listen to other single women and it sounds like they too feel the same. They feel like [some] men have forgotten how to be gentlemen, communicate effectively and take interest in anyone but themselves. I find it shocking how women are left blaming themselves and feeling disappointed after they’ve been led to believe it was ever more than a one night stand. And most of all, I’m shocked at how it’s become OK for men to make women feel bad for the way others have treated them in the past. Why should we have to apologise for something that has made us who we are today? Why should we suffer any more than we already have?
On top of this, we now have dating apps such as Hinge, Tinder and Bumble, which have in some cases, helped people find love… but for others, it’s making love impossible to find. We now solely judge people on their looks, and very rarely about anything else. People have become objects, who are easy to find and just as easy to replace… There is now so much option available that people have become too fussy. Why would they settle for the one with minor flaws when there may be someone better out there at a click of a button? And why would they commit to anything, when they can find something casual without the stress.
As women, when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we instantly expect to get hurt. Our trust has disappeared, yet I’d like to think that our hope hasn’t. We hate the way men treat us, yet still expose ourselves because we hold on to the hope that one day, we will meet someone who feels the same. I wish men understood what impact they have on women when they use or ghost them. It can be so damaging to their confidence and makes them feel so negative towards men and even worse, themselves.
However, my advice to guys who want to mess women around is: If you want to be an a**hole, feel free to be but please don’t be surprised when she tells you that doesn’t want to see your d*ck over message (especially when you've hardly met) and she doesn’t like the way you talk to her, when you randomly tell her that you’re 'horny as f*ck' (dude, it's been less than a week). I think I can speak on behalf of most women when I say that this behaviour is not attractive, it’s a disappointment!
Don’t call us crazy when we'd love you to send a message asking if we are OK; don’t make us out to be insane when we end up liking you, when you made us believe you felt the same way; and don’t tell us that we have issues when we’d rather go out on a date to experience life than ‘chill’ at your house watching Netflix. Last of all, please don’t stop replying one day without a reason, just because we reminded you that your behaviour wasn’t cool – only to continue liking our stuff on social media. It’s immature and a total head f*ck!
I don’t believe that all men behave in this way, and in their defence, I know that women can be just as bad [before anyone rants at me]. And unfortunately the bad guys, don't help out the good. If a guy treats a woman well, they will think he is being too nice or has an ulterior motive - sorry guys it's true! Which leaves me wondering how we have ended up in a world like this? What happened to people being kind, showing mutual respect, loyalty, love and honesty? What happened to old school romance, when we could look at someone and instantly feel our happiness right there in front of us? Are we all that broken and scared - or are we all just selfish?
If you’re reading this and can relate, you aren’t alone. The best advice I can give is be yourself. Don’t allow anyone to question who you are. When you’re able to remove negative people from your life, you will think clearer and be happier. Don’t allow anyone to play games with your heart or ever let them make you feel like you're not good enough… you are good enough and there will be many people in this world that think so too. So anyone who doesn’t see it, show them the door – you’ll be glad you did.
Being single for some of us is a choice, it's a lifestyle we choose because we want to make the most of our time alone. When we spend time on our own we are able to nurture our friendships more, travel the world, excel in our career, build an empire and do everything that one day we thought was impossible. Having time alone is a key part of finding yourself and growing into a woman. It allows us to focus on our needs and helps build the foundations of a healthy relationship down the line.
So rather than focusing on meeting someone, focus on yourself. Take those holidays, buy that car, move to that country, focus on your career, share time with your friends, make memories and most of all, enjoy your freedom.
There are so many good people in the world, and not all of them want to play games. I speak from experience when I say that the situation isn't always perfect and the timing isn't always right, but if it's meant to be, love will always find a way. He won't judge you by your past, or make you feel insignificant. He will make you feel like a queen and support you every day. These ladies, are the 'real men' and the ones I like to think can handle a real woman!
So don't worry, our time will come and when it does, we can say that we have achieved our dreams and lived a life we are proud of. That person will show up (in his own time, maybe he is just lost somewhere) and you'll know that they are worth holding onto. Because finally... you'll be able to look back on your life and know that all the pain you’ve been through, was worth it in the end.
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